


Love is Paranoid (Kiss, Kiss and Bang, Bang)

by Lucifuge5, Tipsy_Kitty



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Audio Format: M4B, Audio Format: MP3, Background Steve/Sharon, First Dates, First Kiss, Fluff and Humor, Gay Bucky Barnes, M/M, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, POV Bucky Barnes, Pining, Podfic, Podfic Length: 10-20 Minutes, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Queer Sam Wilson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-06-22 13:16:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15582801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucifuge5/pseuds/Lucifuge5, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tipsy_Kitty/pseuds/Tipsy_Kitty
Summary: Since all that funny business happened whenever Wilson was around made everything  painfully clear.Bucky Barnes, reformed super-assassin and Steve’s Original Bestie (TM), had a fucking crush.





	Love is Paranoid (Kiss, Kiss and Bang, Bang)

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## Direct Downloads

  * [mp3](http://pod-together.parakaproductions.com/2018/Love%20Is%20Paranoid.mp3)
  * [m4b](http://pod-together.parakaproductions.com/2018/Love%20Is%20Paranoid%20\(Kiss%20Kiss%20and%20Bang%20Bang\).m4b)
  * **Size:** 18MB/14MB | **Duration:** 00:18:00 

  
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Few things surprised Bucky nowadays. Steve’s eagerness to help him when he showed up at the Avengers tower, for example.

The not-at-all-delicate aromas of dry sweat, gasoline from the Potomac's waters post-battle, and general griminess wafting from Bucky's body were unavoidable once he walked into the lobby of the Avengers building. He figured the smells had gotten lost amid the ordinary filth of the city streets. One look at him holding onto his metal arm, however, and Steve closed the space between them almost at once, ignoring all the guns pointing at Bucky and his overall ripeness.

Steve's hug had such gentleness it almost broke Bucky's heart. He wished he'd have any strength left to kick Steve's ass for being such a softie, though.

His scrambled brain aside, Bucky was sure Steve never had much of a self-preservation instinct to begin with. It seemed the serum had done him no favors; enhancing his instinct to run into things headfirst. Especially if it was to help a friend. 

"You've always been such a dumbass," Bucky mumbled into Steve's neck. "What if I'd still considered you my mission?"

"But you didn't, Buck," Steve replied as he tightened the embrace. "Besides, I knew that if your stink didn't kill me, nothing else would."

"Like I said, you're a dumbass," Bucky grunted before letting go of Steve.

"Missed you too," Steve said.

The reaction from the rest of Steve’s crew was expected as well. Even while wearing Steve’s metaphorical Blue Ribbon of Approval ™. Natasha’s initial calculating demeanor faded into a kind of professional respect. Stark kept a wary distance. Clint eventually warmed up once they’d spent a couple of quiet hours in the shooting range. Banner sided with Stark, using his alter ego as a kind of excuse to avoid Bucky. The rest of the team maintained some measure of space between themselves and Bucky

And then, there was Sam Wilson. Steve’s BFF from the new millennium, a fearless warrior, and much to Bucky’s chagrin, a terribly handsome man.

His memories of Wilson had one too many sharp edges. Looking at him longer than thirty seconds resulted on flashbacks of a determined Sam on the freeway, an unexpected ally to the Level 6’s that Pierce had ordered terminated; dropping Captain America on the helicarrier’s deck and doing a poor job of keeping his six; a blurry figure in the sky that Bucky did somersaults away from. (He also saw him doing a better job at protecting Steve when the latter was unconscious on a hospital bed. Logic tried to tell him that the funny feeling he felt at seeing Sam scrolling thru his phone was a simple case of dehydration.)

It would’ve been easier to blame his body’s responses (the sudden heat on his face, the ridiculous tongue-tiedness, and the almost-embarassing lightheartedness) on some kind of physical ailment.

However, Life was never that simple.

Since all that funny business happened whenever Wilson was around made everything painfully clear.

Bucky Barnes, reformed super-assassin and Steve’s Original Bestie (TM), had a fucking crush.

* * *

Nowadays, people were a lot more open about who they liked to tussle with, same-sex marriages were legal in several countries…Hell, even Steve, who had been rather shy about his proclivities back in the day, had gone on record that he liked both ladies and gents.

Sadly, Bucky’s tenure as Hydra’s favorite weapon had kept him in the dark as to how much the world had changed in 70 plus years. Unsurprisingly, he hadn't had much opportunities to make time with anyone.

Being de-brainwashed was great and realizing that he could still find others attractive was good. None of this newfound autonomy and awareness were gonna help him find out if Wilson was keen to spend any time with him.

What he needed to do was talk this whole thing out with someone.

One afternoon--while everyone else was off Avenging--Bucky sat down next to the closest kitchen counter, poured a big cup of coffee, and wrote a mental list of possible accomplices, erm, confidants.

He scratched Dr. Nichols (Call me Marie) right off the bat. This wasn’t the kind of thing he’d want to discuss with his therapist about. Steve was the next to get ixnayed from the list. For starters, Steve (who’d been in a relationship with Sharon since he’d been discharged from the hospital) had nothing but the worst advice when it came to flirting. Plus, with the whole "Old School BFF and New BFF potentially dating" was going to throw him for a loop for sure. Natasha’s missions kept her out of the country way too often and there was no such thing as a secure line. Clint’s love life was chaotic.

* * *

"I see you’re deep in thought, my friend," Thor said in his usual jovial way. "My apologies for disturbing your peace."

Bucky blinked a couple of times. According to Steve, Thor was some kind of god. Bucky had seen enough while battling alongside Thor to believe his godhood status. The new millennium was wacky as fuck, heh. 

Thor had been the only person, other than Steve, who had been friendly from the get go. Problem was thar off-planet business (whatever the hell that meant) and Thor wanting to spend time with Jane whenever he was on Earth non-Avenging had kept Bucky from talking to him during downtimes. On the other hand, Bucky’s brain reminded him, Thor was the least biased person in a hundred-mile radius. He wouldn't coddle or lie to Bucky. Or, at least he hoped so.

"Huh? Oh, don’t worry about it," Bucky replied after way too long. "There’s this _thing_ that’s driving me up the wall. I don’t know how to tackle it."

"Perhaps I can be of assistance, then." Thor moved around in the kitchen, grabbing a box from the pantry. "Allow me a minute to fix myself a few of these delicious Midgardian treats and then we can talk about whatever it is that is troubling you." He opened the box, taking most of the silver foil packets out of it and ripped some of them open, placing the Pop-Tarts in the nearest 8-slice toaster. He pushed the lever down, then quickly turned around. "Oh, I apologize. Would you like some?"

"Are they confetti cupcake? I could go for something that could potentially rot my teeth right now."

"Alas, no," Thor said while frowning. "They’re pumpkin spice. I believe the Black Widow ate the last of the confetti ones two nights ago. I would be honored to share my bounty with you. My mother has always said that a little bit of sweetness always goes well with upsetting conversations."

Bucky shrugged as he twisted his cup this way and that. He looked at Thor and gave him a smile when a plate slid with a couple of Pop-Tarts on it. "Thanks," he said and poured two fresh cups of coffee, if only to keep himself occupied while Thor settled next to him.

"So, Bucky, who’s the lucky person who has stolen your heart?"

The piece of the Pop-Tart he’d been munching on got momentarily stuck in his throat. "Lucky?" He cleared his throat. "I’d say cursed, really. But I don't like using that word when talking about Sam that way. Uh..."

Thor’s eyebrows rose up. "Oh, so the brave Falcon has caught your eye?"

Bucky opened his mouth, ready to do his best deflection when he reminded himself of Thor’s initial offer. "Yes, Thor. I--"

"Ah, a most fortuitous couple I can’t imagine. Our friend Steve must be bursting with happiness at seeing his two closest friends bonded." Thor picked up his cup and clinked it against Bucky’s with excessive gentleness. "May the two of you find everlasting joy now that you’re together."

Apparently, Thor had an incredible sense of timing because he’d said that at the exact moment Bucky had begun drinking some more coffee. "Erm, no, no, no! First of all, there hasn’t been any kind of happy couplehood thing. Also, Steve doesn’t know anything about this. It’s too fucking complicated."

"Oh, is it a _forbidden_ romance?" Thor said in a lower tone. "My lady Jane explained how sometimes certain kinds of romantic unions are wrongly seen as less than worthy. Such as those between men. Asgardian culture doesn’t take into account the "worthiness" of an affinity based on the genders involved."

Seeing Thor make a "quotation marks" gesture was weirdly comforting. Bucky shook his head. "I haven’t, you know."

"Made your intentions clear with Sam?"

Bucky nodded. "Something like that," he answered in between bites of his remaining Pop-Tart.

"Perhaps spending some time away from all this," Thor said, making a whirly gesture with a finger,"will help with your courting intentions."

"Yeah," Bucky said as he pushed the now empty plate away. "Maybe I’ll take him out on a picnic. God, I feel like a child learning to ride a bike after being told they’re taking away the training wheels."

"I believe in your powers of wooing, friend Bucky. May your romantic venture be a successful one" Thor made his left hand into a fist and waited.

Despite what many might think, Bucky wasn’t without feelings. Thor's optimism was contagious. He bumped his left fist against Thor’s. "From your mouth to Aphrodite’s ears."

* * *

Turns out, asking Sam out was the easiest part of the plan. All it took was Bucky relying on his sniper-training and be patient AF while waiting for a moment where he’d be: a) able to talk to Sam uninterrupted and b)without Steve or anyone else around.

 _"You’ve fought space monsters and helped bring Hydra down,"_ Bucky murmured to himself once he saw his chance. He might or might’ve not stammered (he did) and he might or might’ve not suggested too many things at once (ditto). But, his effort paid off: a few minutes later, he was making finger guns (in his mind because he wasn’t _that_ dorky) after getting a "yes" from Sam. They stood there for a couple of seconds, kind of smiling at each other, before walking away in different directions (but not before Sam winked at him.)

Out of the corner of his eye he caught Thor giving him an enthusiastic thumbs up.

* * *

Mother Nature gave Bucky thumbs up too: the early May weather was perfect, birds sang, squirrels acted cute (in between fighting with raccoons and who knows how many other rodents for snacks), and Bucky’s idea of bringing some of Sam’s favorite dishes from the Indian place across from the Tower was pure genius.

"Oof, I don’t think I can fit another bite," Sam said after eating his second plate of mysore dosa. The rolled-up sleeves of his lavender shirt displayed his forearms nicely. Once he saw the black bermuda shorts, Bucky once again thanked Mother Nature for helping him into getting to enjoy as much of Sam’s warm russet skin as he could. He felt incredibly blessed he was on a date with the most beautiful man Bucky had seen pretty much ever.

(Bucky’s own dark wash skinny jeans and khaki shirt cut a good figure. He hoped.)

"Hmm, so I guess that all of this gulab jamun is for me then?" Bucky lifted the lid and waved the container under Sam’s nose. "Good thing I asked for double portions."

"Didn’t your mom ever tell you that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach?" Sam said with a mock threatening voice. "Being a part-time Russian has done a number on your manners, Bucky."

"I doubt my ma ever said anything about me romancing fellas." Bucky raised an eyebrow. " ’t was a different time and all."

"So all of this," Sam made an expansive gesture, "must be quite a trip, huh?"

"In some weird ways, yeah. Back then, women would flock to me and, even though I wasn’t interested in them that way, I had to, you know, kinda play along. Meanwhile, Stevie was batting for both teams and getting kinda looked over. Didn’t make much sense. But, hell, you know all of that stuff. Tell me more about you. Who is Sam Wilson and how did he ended up being such a badass?"

Bucky was rewarded with a gentle eyeroll and one of Sam’s warmest, gap-toothed smiles.

"I was born being awesome," Sam replied after lying down on the blanket. Then he rolled to his left, lifting his head before resting it on his left hand. "Did a couple of stints as a pararescue. Came back. And, after a long while, reminded myself that I was still awesome."

Sam stretched his right hand out, making a sad noise when Bucky picked up the container of gulab jamun. "What?"

"That is too condensed of a version of someone’s life story," Bucky said. He frowned. " _Especially_ if they’re as awesome as they claim to be."

"Number one, keeping something tasty away from me is mean. Number two, my life is the most unremarkable thing ever. Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy with where it’s taken me, but, seriously, I’m the most normal person ever. And normal can sometimes be boring."

Whether he’d finally felt comfortable enough with Sam to make a move or the stars aligned was something Bucky couldn’t answer. He quirked an eyebrow and leaned down, closing his eyes seconds before he kissed Sam. 

Tentative at first, their kisses soon grew in their intensity. He slid his tongue against Sam’s, relishing the electricity that zinged through him. The need to feel Sam’s body under him was all he could focus on. He snaked his arms across Sam’s back, pulling him until they were chest-to-chest. They were on a world of their own and Bucky wanted to stay in that place for as long as he could. After some minutes, breathing took precedence over kissing and so Bucky pulled away, hoping they could get back to making out before too long.

"And three?" Bucky whispered.

"Uh, three what?"

Bucky wondered if he look half as dazed as Sam did. "You were, ahem, counting off the reasons why you didn’t want to talk about yourself. I think you got as far as three?"

Sam’s tongue glided across his bottom lip, a reminder of what had just happened. "Oh, yeah, and three: withholding pastries is pretty close to a matter of life or death."

"Did _your_ mom ever tell you there’s such as thing as having too much of sweet tooth?"

Sam made a face like he was thinking what to say. That he looked both hot and adorable was something Bucky was never tell anyone. Whatever he was going to say, however, was soon forgotten as soon as he saw the red dot in the middle of Sam’s chest.

"Don't move," Bucky yelled after he pushed Sam down and breathed a tiny sigh of relief once the bullet pinged against his metal arm. "Hydra assholes near."

"Yeah, what’s left of them," Sam replied as he did a series of rolls that would’ve earned him at least a silver medal at the Olympics. He was holding a tranq gun on one hand and a Starkphone on the other. "Hey, Steve, mind swinging to my location? A couple of goons are busting my and Bucky’s date. What? Yeah, I said date. Just get here and bring Kate Bishop and Miles. OK. I said _OK_."

Bucky’s grimace at whatever Steve’s replies could be yielded to the fire of his indignation at being interrupted right as he and Sam had started to get sweet on each other. These fuckers were going to _pay_.

* * *

One hour later, there were six mercenaries and some third-tier ex-Hydra agent unconscious and on their not-so-merry way to be interrogated. The destruction of Hydra’s main groups was something that Bucky would always celebrate. Still, it didn’t lessen his or anyone else’s annoyance with seeing all the roaches that scattered out of Hydra after it crumbled to the ground.

Off to the side, an EMT was patching Miles up from a nasty burn from a retrofitted Chitauri weapon. Kate and Sam kept him company.

Currently sporting a nasty shiner on his right eye, thanks to getting hit with the butt of a rifle, Steve made his way to where Bucky was starting to clean up the picnic. So much for a nice outing. Fuck.

"You could’ve told me you were having the hots for Sam, you know?" Steve said, crouching down and stacking a couple of the containers. "I could’ve, I dunno, put in the good word for you or something."

"Steve," Bucky said in an exasperated tone, "this is dating. Which we all know you are epically bad at."

" _So not true!_ " Steve said offended. "Sharon and I--"

"Pfft, had Sharon not made the first, second, and third moves, you would’ve still be pining after her." Bucky put all the bowls in the basket. "Besides, this was about dating and not, you know, getting a new job."

"It is about a new job. You know, as Sam’s sweetheart."

Bucky made a gagging noise. "Remind me again: have you always been _this_ uncool?"

"Hey," Sam said, appearing out of nowhere, "be nice. That’s my best friend you’re talking smack about."

Bucky stood up. "You didn’t let me finish, Sam."

Sam crossed his arms. "Uh-huh. So, go on. Let’s see how you can squirm your way out of this one."

"As I was saying, I was wondering if Steve had always been a dork and if so, how come he’s got not one but two super amazing best friends." He grinned.

"It’s a mystery," Sam replied and then kissed Bucky once again.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> From Luce: Working with Tipsy_Kitty has been an absolute delight from beginning to end. Her encouragement and bubbliness were only two of the many reasons that made this such an AWESOMECAKES collabo. #YouaretheBEST
> 
> Thank you also to Analise010 for betaing this. ;)
> 
> From Kitty: This was such a fun experience, I adored working with Lucifuge :)


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